Armchair Pundits

All That Glitters Is Gold

It is often said, if it sounds to good to be true then it probably is. This little pearl is seldom disproved and with good reason. Consider this recent experience.

On one particular winter’s day, I found myself sorting through my mail-junk, junk, junk, and more junk. As is my customary method, I ripped the entire Everest-like stack into halves, then quarters and so forth. To my surprise, a colorful scratch off ticket fell to the floor mid-process. The ticket indicated that it was from a local auto dealer and the prizes that beckoned ranged from $5 to a free vehicle, with a thousand dollar shopping spree sandwiched in between. I rummaged for the scraps that now were the accompaniment to this ticket and carefully taped the pieces back into their original letterform.

Now from the way this post began, you certainly know the end promises weeping and gnashing of teeth, but none-the-less, the eternal optimist in me overcame the cynical, you-know-better-Grisby adult, and I read on. I discovered that every ticket was a guaranteed winner and that there was no catch (you can pick yourself up now). I simply had to present to the dealer, answer a few harmless questions and claim the spoils.

Spoils? Okay, at this point I am absolutely convinced that this will turn out like one of those Sunday paper holiday coupons from Marshall Fields. The coupon promises the allurement of a $500 shopping spree, but you and I both know, that the coupon will be for ten bucks and with the fifty minimum, you’re up to a net loss of forty dollars. You know where I’m coming from.

I grabbed a coin and scratched the ticket. Low and behold I won a thousand dollar shopping spree! Wonders never cease! My mind raced. What should I buy? A digital camera? A new television? Jewelry or fancy footwear for the fetching Mrs. Grisby? Ah, the anticipation!

Two days later, I found myself in the dealership waiting room, answering all of the nice man’s questions as briefly as possible. Seeing that I was not sellable, the salesman summoned his manager (typical ploy) who presented me with my thousand dollar ONLINE shopping spree. Umm...excuse me, but what’s this online piece about? Did I miss some fine print somewhere?

The shopping bonanza I expected turned out to be a website loaded with products that are cheaply made and generally under-priced. Let’s call it http://www.pickyourcrappygift.com/. The company seems to make their money on charging a processing fee (per order) and shipping and handling. Needless to say, 10% of the products were actually worthwhile (but overpriced) the remaining 90% utter detritus. C’mon! How long does a $10 digital camera (manufactured by the Inuit, somewhere above the arctic circle & with no rear LCD) last? How many Tony Stewart Bobble head dolls and key chains does the world really need? NASCAR pillow case anyone? How about a Pleather jacket (not a misspelling-don’t ask)? Well at least they offered a fine assortment of DVD’s for my viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, every single offering had the intent of teaching me Texas Hold ‘Em, so you can imagine my excitement!
Well, it wasn’t all bad, there were still some good items available; however, before I could bring myself to purchase one, I was interrupted by the ecstatic squeals of my 4.5 year old daughter, who has difficulty pronouncing her L’s.

“Dad the Cwapper! The Cwapper’s on! Come see the Cwapper!”

What!? I raced to the living room, just in time to see the same elderly women from my junior high years, you know the one with the orangutan arms? Clap on. Clap off. The Clapper!

“Dad! It’s magic! CAN WE GET THE CWAPPER!?"

Wow! From the makers of Ch-Ch-Chia pet! The Clapper still lives!

Yes honey, it is magic.

posted by Grisby @ 9:22 PM